The Sea of Ontological Insecurity

some thoughts on a journal entry

In a recent post, I included a journal entry on “why I’m insecure.” After two lectures I heard in Canada, I wrote this down in my pocket notebook as all of these various ideas synthesized. As you know, I’ve been writing and thinking a lot about authenticity lately. This journal is about the closest I’ve come to cracking the code.

In this post, I’ll paste the journal and offer some commentary on it.

“Why I’m Insecure” - A Repost

In two talks by Stel and Laurens, I realized my inauthenticity stems from a survival mechanism. I keep part of myself down to maintain community because I define politics and religion as debate instead of “community” and “tying together.” This survival mechanism stems from a trauma response to my upbringing and excommunication. This manifests itself in compartmentalization. The path to self-actualization, then, is the unity of all my selves and talents in the integrated self that is my true self. False self is anything that is less than the integrated self because it is not the summation of who I am. The problem, then, lies in the fact that the true self threatens prevailing systems of domination—social imaginary—because it forces stranded souls onto the sea of ontological insecurity.

These souls are put into a fight or flight response. This, in turn, puts me into a survival response in which I either retreat into my inoffensive false self or boldly invite the souls at sea to the horizon of the new creation. The work of the Spirit is to transform us one by one into the firstfruit of the new creation as we come fully into our gifts, into ourselves. This shift from letter to the Spirit is life-giving because words engraved in stones inherently limit who we are to be. When the veil is removed and we see God face to face, we are really looking into the mirror which is our true self, perfectly reflecting God back to us through us. And this is mutual indwelling. And this is resurrection.

The “not yet” of 1 Corinthians 15 is the corporate body of Adam coming into its telos: the integrated Christ, all in all.

Inauthenticity and Compartmentalization.

In two talks by Stel and Laurens, I realized my inauthenticity stems from a survival mechanism. I keep part of myself down to maintain community because I define politics and religion as debate instead of “community” and “tying together.” This survival mechanism stems from a trauma response to my upbringing and excommunication. This manifests itself in compartmentalization.

In poker, there is a time to bet and a time to reveal your hand. You place bets based on the cards you see or don’t see. You place bets based on whether or not you think your hand can beat the others. But when it comes time to lay down the cards, it doesn’t matter how good you think your hand is, what your reasons for betting were, or what theories you came up with to justify going all in.

Ones you reveal your hand, the truth comes out and you will either win or lose.

When you are taught your whole life to seek truth and prioritize it over everything else, what do you do when you learn something new? Something you truly believe in?

Well, if you’re like me, you may just share it. But once you do, what then? Will you be accepted or rejected?

I was rejected. Well, technically, the beliefs I proposed were rejected, but it sure did feel like a rejection of me.

This rejection teaches us that sharing our true beliefs isn’t safe, that sharing ourself ins’t safe. So when we pick up the pieces and find new community, what then? In order to keep it, we feel as if we have to mask who we really are to fit into the crowd. We compartmentalize, making sure to only show certain faces to certain people.

Keep him in this box, keep this one in that box. Only say those things to those people. Only present this way to that group. Don’t let these different selves meet.

This maintains the community we feel that we need, but it leaves us feeling insecure, inauthentic, and incomplete.

Integration as Self-Actualization

The path to self-actualization, then, is the unity of all my selves and talents in the integrated self that is my true self. False self is anything that is less than the integrated self because it is not the summation of who I am.

To truly feel authentic, then, we must learn to integrate all of our selves. No more masks, no more unnecessary filters, no more hiding.

Is this even possible? It’s hard to say.

But the times I’ve experienced it have been so liberating, so freeing that I really don’t want to go back to anything less.

Why should we hide who we are? Why should we play these games? Why should we live in a world of illusion, pretending we are who we aren’t?

Will we lose community? Will people walk away? Will we miss out on some opportunities?

Perhaps.

But what are we missing out on by not being ourselves? Is anything less than the community that would accept our fully-integrated self worth playing the game?

Threatening the Social Imaginary

The problem, then, lies in the fact that the true self threatens prevailing systems of domination—social imaginary—because it forces stranded souls onto the sea of ontological insecurity.

Imagine a game of basketball. Everyone is having fun dribbling, passing, and shooting. Someone walks up and wants to play, so they are invited in. When the ball comes to them, they just take off running without dribbling at all.

They don’t know the rules.

There are rules like these throughout society. Our churches, clubs, families, and friend groups have a whole language of behaviors. When someone new comes into that space and violates the language, there is a palpable disturbance.

This is social imaginary.

When we allow our true selves to show in an environment where we’ve played a part for so long, then our very existence threatens the social imaginary. We no longer play as if we know the rules.

What this does is threatens the reality of that group.

Something isn’t right.

You aren’t acting yourself.

What happened to you?

Are we allowed to do that?

It produces a kind of insecurity that disrupts the natural order. Our nice, neat world of black and white bumps into a whole spectrum of color.

In these situations, your true self will be taken into calculating the new rules, or, much more likely, you will face expulsion so the illusion can persist.

Fight or Flight

These souls are put into a fight or flight response. This, in turn, puts me into a survival response in which I either retreat into my inoffensive false self or boldly invite the souls at sea to the horizon of the new creation.

If they reject you, you have some options. You might retreat into your inoffensive false self; that is, you may go back into character. People who do this may go on the offensive and try to call out others who aren’t playing by the rules to prove their loyalty to the group. The entire group may even double down and circle the wagons at this point, making it harder for others to ask questions or question the system.

Or you may take their rejection as an invitation to go further into sea, testing the limits of everything you thought you knew.

This path is so lonely—take it from me. But the community I’ve found during my trips to sea is meaningful to me beyond words.

New Creation

The work of the Spirit is to transform us one by one into the firstfruit of the new creation as we come fully into our gifts, into ourselves.

Through participation with the Holy Spirit, we are brought into the new creation. This means using the gifts the Spirit has given us and being who God created us to be, no more masks.

As we are transformed into the image of God, we become more ourselves. God isn’t inviting us to be anything more or less than who God created us to be. When we don our masks, we aren’t being authentic. This is the false self that God asks us to crucify with Christ.

From Letter to Spirit

This shift from letter to the Spirit is life-giving because words engraved in stones inherently limit who we are to be. When the veil is removed and we see God face to face, we are really looking into the mirror which is our true self, perfectly reflecting God back to us through us. And this is mutual indwelling. And this is resurrection.

Legalism limits who we are because it promotes conformity over true unity, which is unity in diversity. As long as we uphold systems of conformity, we are asking people to be less than they truly are.

Do you see why the “fruit of the Spirit” is such a big deal? It allows for the flexibility of the Spirit. If the Spirt is like wind, then it’s impossible to put the Spirit into a box. We have to ask what will produce love, joy, and peace in every situation, and we might sometimes get different answers.

There is no one-size-fits all solution.

We test, we check the fruit, and we reassess.

This freedom allows us to be our true selves, which are made in the image of God.

This is mutual indwelling because it is inviting the imitation of God to dwell with the Divine as the Divine dwells in us. It is resurrection because it is a liberation of our true self from the shadowy eclipse of our false self.

A Bit on 1 Corinthians 15

The “not yet” of 1 Corinthians 15 is the corporate body of Adam coming into its telos: the integrated Christ, all in all.

One way to read 1 Corinthians 15 is to see Paul talking about the actualization of Adam. Jesus is the goal; he is the telos. When the calling of Adam is fulfilled in Jesus, it means that God is all in all, that humanity as a whole mirrors the image of God.

No more hiding in the bushes. No more aprons of fig leaves or leather. No more fighting over which sacrifice is best. Just love and peace.

A Final Note and a Poem

I hope this journal entry and the commentary helps you in some way. It was a big revelation for me when I first wrote it, which seems like so long ago.

I don’t know what all of this will look like. I feel myself retreating into myself in some ways, but there is part of me that can never retreat again.

Pray for me as I pray for you.

Spaces

Everyone looks for shapes in the clouds

But where is the love for shapes in the spaces—

Those patches of blue and black in between and around the clouds?

Seeing the beauty of the negative space is seeing the person who is missing.

It is seeing the person who is picked last or who sits alone.

It is seeing yourself in the crowd in which you don’t exactly fit,

Formed by those around you without your consent.