I Struggle With Authenticity
Some thoughts on authenticity, imitation, and being true to myself
I struggle with authenticity. Though they say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I tend to agree more with Ralph Waldo Emerson who said that envy is ignorance and imitation is suicide (“Self-Reliance”).
I’m one of those guys who watches a tv show and identifies a little too much with the main character. Last week my son had RSV, so I binge watched Lincoln Lawyer. This led to me calling Cayden and Ellie Shay hijo and hija for like three days.
Don’t ask me about The Peaky Blinders…
Have you ever had anyone ask you how you are doing and you think to yourself, “You can’t handle how I’m really doing.”
This is kind of how I feel about writing posts like this.
Like Emerson mentions in his essay, I feel safe when I’m talking about Scripture or some theological issue. While I’m no scholar, I feel comfortable looking up passages, doing research, and formulating arguments from the texts. Emerson said it like this,
If I know your sect, I anticipate your argument. I hear a preacher announce for his text and topic the expediency of one of the institutions of his church. Do I not know beforehand that not possibly can he say a new and spontaneous word? Do I not know that, with all this ostentation of examining the grounds of the institution, he will do no such thing? Do I not know that he is pledged to himself not to look but at one side,--the permitted side, not as a man, but as a parish minister? He is a retained attorney, and these airs of the bench are the emptiest affectation.
So there’s not much new you can expect from me. What’s baptism all about? How might we read the genocide passages? What’s the deal with Revelation? Just read Leroy Garrett or Dallas Burdette or Pete Enns or Don Preston and you can probably find an answer the seems very similar to one of my own.
And this bothers me to some extent.
I understand that “truth runs in parallel lines” and that “there is nothing new under the sun,” but sometimes I’d like to write about something… else.
And I guess I can.
I guess I am.
But then there’s… the obligation.
There’s people like you who have really good questions. What about this passage? What about that idea? What about that behavior?
And I feel obligated to answer, and I like to answer… I really do.
But I think to myself that there are others out there who could offer better answers, who have better credentials, who can cite the passages and do the research just as good, if not better, than I can.
But there are other obligations out there that are less inviting (?).
Like… oh yeah, there’s Daniel, he does Bible stuff.
Like that’s what he does, so that’s what we expect out of him, right?
And he’s actually into this specific Bible thing with this particular group and these specific expectations.
And we’ve invested money and time and support into helping Daniel when he needed it the most, so he’s going to keep doing XYZ like we expect.
But what if…
Like what if I change my mind?
Or my focus?
Or my list of priorities?
Or whatever?
Then what?
I’ve found in my life that some people only stick around as long as you see things their way and believe things like they do. Which makes changing anything about where you currently are… threatening.
Can you handle that loss again?
Can you risk it all one more time?
If I show who I truly am, whatever that means, then what?
Is there any way to take that back if it doesn’t work out?
But what does it even mean for this new thing to work out? Do my definitions of “work out” even fit into whatever this is?
Well what if they don’t? It hasn't worked out in the past, but somehow it still did.
New friends, new family, new coworkers, new house, new city, new job.
But I don’t want that.
That is, can I be who I am like I want to be while maintaining the current setup?
Perhaps.
But different setups call to me. Are they meant to be, or are they distractions? Or are they there to make me ask the real questions… make me test the different theories and possibilities?
When I open my mouth, will you know what I’m going to say because you know what my sect believes/ teaches? Will I be retelling stories about my brother’s or my brother’s brother’s God? Or will I be true to myself and say what I really think?
Have you ever had anyone ask you how you are doing and you think to yourself, “You can’t handle how I’m really doing.”
A couple thoughts:
A) If I get what you're saying, what you're describing is, I think, a very common experience for anyone who has a job that is ostensibly about "shepherding". Preacher, politician, parent. You want, and need, to bring people along on a journey. That's your role (unless you see your role as simply holding the torch previous generations lit, and pretending that nothing has changed or needs to...then that's a whole different thing). But you also have to know your "audience". In many cases, if you push too far, too fast, you lose your "flock", whatever that flock is (church, constituents, children, etc). That's not an argument against pushing far and fast. Far and fast is valid too. It just usually comes with a specific set of consequences (and opportunities and freedom). But then slow and steady also comes with consequences, opportunities and freedom. Since I'm a church boy, I'll just speak from that context. I have respect for the people who have left churches or who are unchurched and have taken up valid criticisms of the church. Those who stand outside the gates shouting, so to speak. But I have just as much respect--often more--for those who stay within and try to lead their communities to ever deeper places. Because it's the latter who will change those communities most deeply, not the former. We need to hear what people outside the gates are shouting at us. But, for the most part, we'll be more fundamentally changed by the person who has chosen to remain in the sanctuary and who finds a way to spiritually stretch those under his or her care. Of course, I'm speaking very broadly here. If one's spirituality is so at odds with those in their community, it often necessitates moving on. Then it's also often true that if enough people in a community (or even just a few loud and influential ones) don't want to stretch, the community ends up in spiritual gridlock. If good will is lost, that changes things. But in any case, I think the shepherd always has to be comfortable with a constant, low-level hum of discomfort about authenticity. And, honestly, that's probably true for every human. I think it just comes up in the heart more when you have a public role, especially if it's in the spiritual professions.
B) You're doing great. Just keep writing and thinking about these things and sharing them.
Hi Daniel you are so blessed because you know God loves you. He doesn't care what we do, do what you desire, just always be willing to accept His over abundant love at every turn.