I Changed the R to a K in My Detective Notebook
some thoughts on a realization I just had about myself
For a while now, I’ve been having conversations with friends of mine about authenticity, compartmentalization, and self-actualization. These conversations have turned into posts on Substack, which have been some of my most well-received writings ever. If you go back to my posts in April and May, most of them are on this subject.
If you want to go back and read those, this is a good place to start:
I realized something about this whole journey that I never noticed before and just have to share it with you.
It is my hope that in sharing this part of me with you that you will learn something about yourself. At the least, you’ll be invited into a period of self-reflection on the earliest parts of your own life.
Let’s start with high school.
Who I Was In High School Times Two
Around the fifth grade, I started noticing that the Daniel who showed up to school and the Daniel outside of school were two different Daniels.
It started when I heard a friend say a cuss word.
I remember feeling so shocked and dismayed. I can’t remember if the word hypocrite made it out of my mouth, but I definitely thought it. I remember it happened while we were walking from our trailer to the main building; I was wearing those pants that unzip at the knee to make shorts (which is like a level-three metaphor you can reflect on in a bit).
I think my momentary disbelief was less of a reflection of my thoughts towards my friend as it was a commentary on how I was starting to split into two.
I was three or so years away from my baptism, but I had already grown aware of a different self, a self that needed attention and acceptance and love from my peers. This was the same self that started noticing girls and circled all the pretty high school girls in his yearbook. But, to be honest, I was following the lead of other friends who had learned which girls were pretty from older siblings, which is where we also learned to circle their butts. I wouldn't understand that one for a few years.
Again, so much of it was about acceptance.
Readers of Girard are probably screaming “mimesis” right now.
Anyways, as fifth grade went on, so did the diversion of these two Daniels. I experimented with an ill-placed cuss word or two of my own. I learned a few dirty jokes. And I slacked off enough to make my first ‘B’ in school.
When high school finally arrived, the two Daniels had fully arrived.
School Daniel tried chewing tobacco, cussed like an ill-informed sailor, and chased girls (don’t worry, mom. They didn’t chase me back lol).
Church Daniel learned how to preach, lead singing, and never missed a church service.
Church Daniel told School Daniel that he was going to hell because one sin would keep him out of heaven, and School Daniel knew that nobody could keep up with that standard, so he shut Church Daniel out and kept his head down.
By the time college rolled around, School Daniel would get hammered on Friday with his buddies and fill in at a country church to preach on Sunday.
Okay, this specific scenario happened maybe once.
“Keep your head down. Fit in. Nobody’s perfect anyway.”
“Preach. Convert the world. You have the truth.”
And none of this is news to me. I’m well aware of these two versions of Daniel.
But as I was meditating on this divide during my drive to church Sunday, something else hit me that I hadn’t exactly connected before.
My Detective Notebook
Sometimes I’ll name something about Laura, and it bugs her that I’ve got so much of her figured out, but I think she also likes it and finds it cute. The other day she called me a sleuth.
My younger self would be so happy with that.
I used to carry around a detective notebook. My biological dad (Daddy, pronounced “Deddy”) gave me a digital camera around this same time, and I would take pictures of things like footprints or receipts on the ground.
On my detective notebook, I had “Daniel R” written at the top.
But when I would go to his house, I would extend the left line of the “R” upward to make it look like a lowercase cursive “k.”
I was born Daniel Kennedy, which is my mom’s maiden name.
But when my mom married my stepdad (Dad) when I was three, I took his name, which is Rogers.
But I only took it unofficially because Daddy is still very much in my life.
When I would play t-ball, and later baseball, the back of my jersey read “Kennedy.” When I would go to school and learn to write my name, I would put “Rogers.”
Because from a very young age, I picked up on the idea that to keep peace, to make people feel safe, to be accepted, I had to be two different people: Kennedy and Rogers.
Two Christmases, two Easters, two sets of paternal and maternal grandparents.
When my mom told me that Santa didn't exist, it made sense to me. I don’t remember having a very strong reaction. I had this theory that God and Santa must be friends since they’re both all-knowing, but I didn’t let that bother me too much.
When Daddy broke the same news to me months after my mom, I broke down in tears.
Kennedy took the news harder than Rogers.
So I’ve been doing this compartmentalization thing for a long time. When the two stories above connected in this way for the first time during that drive Sunday morning, so much made sense, and I also felt a great feeling of peace.
Of course I struggle with authenticity.
Of course I struggle with compartmentalization.
How could I not? It’s been my default way of being in the world since I was a toddler.
Which is a lot of weight to carry as a little guy.
No wonder I reacted the way I did in fifth grade. No wonder I slacked off in school. No wonder I cussed and drank and chased girls even though I thought it was sending me to hell. No wonder I have so much anxiety concerning how I’m perceived. No wonder I get anxious when a red notification pops up on my phone—maybe someone discovered one of the other Daniels and is sending me an accusatory message.
You see, there are all these worlds.
There Are All These Worlds
My friend Jason said that my sermons have been different recently. My friend Greg made a similar comment about my writing.
And I know exactly what they mean, and I know why they’re different.
At the end of April, I had two amazing weeks: one at Discovering Renewal and the other at St. Stephen’s.
These weeks coincided with the time that I was writing a lot on authenticity, and these weeks were some of my most affirming. My friends, old and new, poured themselves out for me in such amazing ways. I had such a profound experience of love and acceptance, and this encouraged me along in my journey towards my integrated self.
All of these different worlds of mine are converging into one. As one person recently told me, “I think some people just want to be able to put you into a box. You aren't a know it all. Your position isn't set in stone. You are open, and humble.”
I’m working on most of this, but I appreciate the sentiment. But it’s the first part that really stood out to me because I don’t feel like I fit into many of the boxes people expect me to fill.
And this is because there are all of these different worlds that I’ve kept neatly apart. Allowing them to converge for the first time has disrupted my own ontological security, but it has been so freeing that I can’t not do it. Once you see, you can’t unsee; once you taste, you can’t untaste.
Every Sunday at church, I start by saying, “All of you are welcome here; all of you is welcome here.”
I say this every Sunday because I want it to be true for everyone there, but I also hope I extend the same grace to myself.
Can School Daniel and Church Daniel meet? Can Rogers and Kennedy make peace? Can Canada Daniel and Magic Trick Daniel and Mandolin Daniel and Eschatology Daniel and Grace Daniel and Barn Night Daniel and all the other versions of Daniel sit at this table as one with the One who is all in all and with people who are trying to walk in the light of the Love of this One?
There are all these worlds, but I long for there to just be one world.
And we’re getting very close.
The end, the telos, is near.
Severance
Laura and I have been watching this show called Severance on Apple TV. Actually, we’re trying to binge it before the month is over so we don’t have to pay for yet another streaming service.
Do you do that too?
Anyways, the show is about this company that offers a program where you can have your work self divided from your home self to achieve perfect work-life balance.
When you are at work, you don’t remember anything about your personal life. When you’re outside the office, you don’t remember anything about your work life (your “severed” life).
Your “innie” leads one life, and your “outie” leads another.
The show is fascinating.
I guess since Church Daniel wasn’t sitting in front of his bookshelf with “making connections” mode activated, I didn’t realize that the reason the show resonated with me so much is because it’s describing the very problem I’ve been talking about all this time.
Except I retain the memories and feelings from the different worlds.
And having these memories means that the worlds struggle against each other, collide, and sometimes intrude upon each other, which can be like seeing your school teacher at the grocery store.
I wonder if Daniel Kennedy had the reaction to the secret about Santa Claus because he was younger than Daniel Rogers.
In the show, the “innie” version of the character speaks of itself as having an age in hours, not years. Maybe Daniel Kennedy was like that.
And maybe the different versions of myself have different ages.
Which means that just as I try to show grace to my five-year-old and two-year-old when they are experiencing big emotions for the first time, I should show grace to these different versions of myself as they meet and integrate.
Because, in a way, I’m new to all of this, even if my name has been legally changed for fourteen years.